Jackelopette

Here I am, a week or so later, and I am disappointed with my writing resolution.

It’s hard to write this, right now at least. Writing about the deployment makes it real. I know I’m not the only one sharing this sentiment. It’s hard to be lonely, but I feel like I’m doing a good enough job of keeping busy that I have run out of time to write. I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing.

People often remark that I must be a very resilient person, to have survived the events of the last few months without breaking. I think I have simply been too busy to fully experience all of it. Again, I’m not sure it’s a bad thing.

What’s happened? Well, starting in February…

• I moved to Washington with David.
• Three weeks after I moved, David left on a long field exercise. Meanwhile, Mike (the previous roomie) moved out and deployed, I had a long weekend in Davis with my beloved Alumni Chorus, moved my crap out of storage and into the apartment, collected the cats from southern California, and saw Grandma for the last time, all in two weeks…
• David came back from the field exercise in time for St. Patrick’s Day, just the day after I’d returned with the cats, then I left for several days’ work travel in Oregon. We had about two weeks of normal time before he left again, this time for over a month of training with the whole Brigade — meaning that most of my new friends and/or their spouses were gone too.
• Shortly after David left, I found out that a good 4-H friend of mine had died. See the Ross post for more information, but there hasn’t been any more closure since then. And yet…
• Fortunately (depending on your perspective) I also had another ten days of Oregon travel and a hell of a lot of work. I’m not entirely sure how I filled my time during this month, but I know I didn’t have much of it to spare. David came back early, though, in mid-May…
• And a couple of days after his return, he had more surgery on his wrist. So we didn’t exactly have normal time for that, either. My dad visited in the last few days of May and that’s when my summer imploded.

Grandma passed away the afternoon after my dad left. I had spoken to her over her hospital phone the day he did leave, and I had dismissed the finality in her voice as illness. While I did ignore that tone, the things we shared in that few-minute conversation were pithy and a worthy way to say goodbye. It’s not that I don’t miss her or wish I’d had more time – of course I do! – but the things we said to one another have been enough to comfort me. Again, I don’t feel I’ve had much time to experience the full grief. I am sure I will come the holidays.

I had talked to my dad around noon that day, after he’d arrived in Santa Barbara, and we knew things were not looking good. I booked a last-minute flight for that afternoon and my cell phone rang as I was going through security. It was my dad, calling to tell me that she’d stopped breathing.

The next few days I spent at home are somewhat blurry – there was so much to discuss and do and share that I don’t have a clear memory of what I felt.

Two days after I returned, I had my wisdom teeth out. Oh, and that’s the day the ACCESS 4-H project director and project manager, both people I’d consider good friends, were no longer employed by Council. I’m selfishly glad I had the haze of pain and painkillers and wicked nausea to distract me – I found out via email blast as I returned from the surgery, so at first it all seemed like a dream.

I think we had two full weekends between my wisdom teeth removal and the beginning of our ridiculous vacation itinerary, and both were busy. In the last month we have spent a vast amount of time in Seattle and at Army parties, in the Bay area with family and good friends, even a week in London and another touring the east coast… Those three weeks alone deserve their own post.

Two days after we returned from the last leg of the traveling, David departed for a year. I’m still finding things that need to make their way overseas to him. I spent a day broken, though I still did my daily work. I spent a few more days fighting back tears whenever someone asked me how I was doing. I found things to do instead of cry.

But I haven’t given myself the leisure to examine the way I’ve felt until now. And see! I’ve filled it with recaps and observations. Of course, I doubt I’ll ever share the depths of what I do feel, but I felt an obligation to announce that Yes! I yet live! This is what I felt like writing. So yes, perhaps I’ve made a good start.

This week has been a shock of quietude, at least during the day. I am still swamped with work; we have looming deadlines and a shortage of hours to complete them. And with the rest of the Brigade’s soldiers yet to deploy, there have been plenty of excuses to get myself out of the apartment and savor what time I have remaining with the friends who haven’t yet left.

I suppose I’m finding out how good I am at distracting myself. Give me another couple of weeks, for them to leave, for me to finish my annual pilgrimage to the land of fluffy critters and blue ribbons, for the familiar structure of weekend parties and summer business to taper off… and I think perhaps I will have time to fully feel all that has happened.

Oops. No. I have a choir audition tomorrow. Perhaps instead of writing it all down, I’ll find myself singing it out. That’s always worked well for me…

And they’re off.

Mine anyway.

More of my friends will follow him soon. Now to fill the hours, the evenings, the weeks, and the months.

I don’t know how I would manage this without friends and family. Thanks.

Found out yesterday that a cherished 4-H friend passed away earlier this month.

Ross was a Nevada Collegiate 4-H’er and camp volunteer whom I first met at the 2004 National 4-H Technology & Leadership Conference while working on 4-HUSA. Since that event, I’d kept in touch with him and often called on him for his insights while working on other tech and leadership projects for 4-H. Everyone in the 4-H community who knew Ross spoke highly of his sense of humor, unquestioning commitment to the 4-H program, and overall classy personality.

He was someone I could (and often did!) call up for an impromptu ski trip or advice on a presentation. We even survived a trip to New Orleans for Mardi Gras together, as well as road trips to San Francisco and San Luis Obispo. For the Collegiate 4-H, he was a mature and stabilizing influence who refused to fall into the notorious drama of that time period, but still someone who would happily mediate everyone’s differences so we could all go out and celebrate afterward. The guy had incredible integrity and a great smile.

Here’s to you, Ross. May you find peace wherever you are now.

While the idea of “keep the litterbox in the unused bathtub” was a worthy one insofar as it contains the tracked-out litter and prevents it from joining the greater carpeted wilderness…

it turns out that using the bathtub’s integrated water-powered cleaning tool (read: faucet and/or shower) perhaps was not. For, you see, kitty litter is meant to clump up and turn into glorified mud, the same kind of mud that might be used for a facial, which means that it is goopy and sticky and stubborn.

I’ll be in the bathroom with my scrubby brush for the next little while. As soon as the standing water in the tub does its work and dissolves its clumps.

Oops.

I’ve been here in Olympia/Lacey for three-ish weeks now… and I love it.

I guess there is a multitude of reasons:

1. I chose it.
2. David!
3. Friends!
4. Pretty views! And weather!
5. I have a car.
6. I have space to nest, and someone to nest with.
7. I will soon have kitties
8. I am close to plenty of shopping and other recreation, and I’m near the outdoors when I need a fix.
9. New friends! And old ones coming out of the woodwork. Acquaintances and cousins I haven’t seen in years, if not decades.

In the meantime, David is off in Yakima doing silly things (let us not go there, for it is a silly place) for the next couple of weeks. Mike has deployed to Iraq with I Corps, and will be there for a year. Of course David will be going there, too, at the end of the summer.

Now that Mike’s room is cleared, I am facing a pile of stuff from storage that now needs to find a new home… I am nesting. Interrupting all this is a huge deadline for work, when our project launches to the world on April 22. Between now and then, I don’t think I’ll have much control over my schedule… but what’s new?

I know I haven’t posted much lately… it seems having a job that requires so much screen time makes me less inclined to post once I’m done with the day’s work.

I’ve also just returned from a month’s worth of travel – Christmas and New Year’s and DC and southern CA and back to Davis…

And I’m about to move to Washington, in 3 weeks.

Olympia, WA, not back to the District. Though I could see my life leading me back there, I want to try the Pacific Northwest first. I’m a nomad. And yes, I’m a bit in love.

And I’m thinking about doing a graduate certificate there, too, at the Bainbridge Graduate Institute. It’s been recommended by a couple of friends so far, and by the NPR station up there. We’ll see. I know I’m missing the world of academia.

Meanwhile, I face the task of packing up my life yet again, retrieving the little things from homes, and living without my cats for a month or so. They’re in soCal while I’m in transition, so that they only need make one move rather than a long drawn-out one.

So, color me a bit lonely, a bit in limbo, and very, very hopeful.

I suppose I should write something. After all, it’s been a year since I began this leg of the journey.

A year ago I’d just finished my first week of working at Council, living in DC, and learning how to live outside my comfort zone.

A year later I’m back in Davis, living far more independently than the last time I was here, and learning how to adjust my comfort zone to accommodate who I’ve become.

I catch myself missing my life in DC, especially with the weather turning and the leaves beginning to fall. Twelve months ago I was still infatuated with an idealized version of the past. I still am, though the nature of that past is mutable and scintillating. Looking back on a year ago is like gazing through a soap bubble. Some things are blown large, others pushed to the edges, colors shifted and movement exaggerated. I’ve changed, too. From pushing myself to expand my boundaries and get Out! each weekend, I am pushing myself to be satisfied with this smaller circle.

I know now that I can survive and even begin to thrive without my California circle. I know that I cannot go long without seeing people whom I love. I need a touchstone every month or so to reassure me that I have not lost them, that they are still there though our lives move in different paths. I could do it again – I could return to DC and forge a new happiness. I catch myself longing for that larger, faster life.

I also catch myself in moments of contentment and happiness, and I wonder how long I can make them last. Where once I would have loved to remain in Davis, I find now that I am looking to the next place. I am not totally happy with the rhythm of my life right now, but it is working for me far better than the last iteration. I get in plenty of travel, and in the last six years my appetite for travel has only increased. I’m feeling a lot more at home now than in the last apartment I inhabited. But this is not where I will remain forever.

I feel as though I’m rushing with a current toward an edge, as though the spring will bring with it a torrent of change. Where two years ago that spring was full of lassitude and aimless uncertainty, and a year ago a mix of entrapment and excitement, this one promises greater confidence and clarity.

Check with me in a few months to see how I feel then. I am far, far better off now than a year ago, and that was better than the year before. I’m getting closer, ever closer, and one day I shall arrive.

Another week – or nearly month – has come and gone, I’ve survived a deadline and (as Bob puts it) managed expectations… though I don’t feel all that satisfied with it.

I’ve moved, I’ve been lazy, I’ve been distracted and diffused and just not altogether in any one place… except when I’ve been spending time with David. The last couple of weekends have been lovely (and loverly) – making it difficult to maintain focus on a slightly less delightful daily life. That said, things are going measurably better here in the real world now than they had been. Incremental changes, yes?

Meanwhile, new place is working out well. Kitties are happy and affectionate and quite adorable as always. I find it easier and even more restful to spend evenings at home, which, really, was the whole point, wasn’t it? There are plans in the works for future celebrations, there is money in my bank account, and I have events on my horizon. Why do I miss the scholastic life so much?

I think I may be falling in love with San Francisco… Seattle… Portland… those lovely cities on the west coast, holders of culture and interest. Perhaps I’ve simply outgrown Davis.

Any recommendations for graduate schools and topics of study?

I have had a busy, busy month.

I’m now living in a 1-bedroom apartment, in Davis, with my beloved cat and my very own bills. While I have the basic furniture, I’d really like a couch. The bedroom, kitchen, and dining room are all functional, but I have no place besides the floor to crash and watch movies.

That said, I haven’t had a whole lot of time to contemplate the lack of couch. The first weekend back in Davis I spent arranging all my many boxes of stuff and acquiring more stuff to store said stuff and basically settling in to my revised life. Then there was Picnic Day – I entered one of the Alumni Association drawings and ended up with a new duffle bag filled with stuff. Not bad, but more stuff to arrange.

I left for San Francisco the Monday after Picnic Day for the Web 2.0 Expo with my colleagues. Not a bad trip in the least, but it did mark the first of several overnight trips away from my new nest. We spent the majority of the time in meetings with our developers and ironing out bugs… but the eating was good and the company enjoyable.

Two weeks ago Grammy passed away.

I had just returned from San Francisco when I heard, and was looking forward to a trip to Seattle. I ended up heading back to Ojai instead. I won’t say the weekend was easy, but it was surprisingly relaxing in many ways.

I sang Mozart’s Ave Verum Corpus at the funeral, and spent most of the weekend reconnecting with all the family members I haven’t seen in a year or more. It felt a little strange at first, but the overall consensus was that Grammy always wanted to be in the middle of wherever the family party was taking place, so it was our duty to give her a good party. There were a few who missed the proceedings, but I think we gave Grammy a good send-off.

About 30 minutes after I returned home, I started a lovely bout of digestive upset. It knocked me out for the bulk of Monday and Tuesday of last week. After a frenzy of catch-up work, I headed up to Seattle for the first purely relaxational weekend I’ve had in a long time. Oh, it was lovely.

Now I’ve returned to Davis once more, and perhaps this will be a normal week. No, in fact it won’t.

I’ve come down with a cold.

So a couple of weeks ago, as I was in the throes of my homesickness, my boss (who is awesome) offered me the chance to return to California. Specifically, Davis.

So all my plans got tossed in the air, I’m moving in less than two weeks, and I have the joy of coordinating all the ACCESS stuff plus packing and finding an apartment and dealing with the moving of all my stuff between Ojai and Davis (again), aaaand oh yeah. Steven and Allison are getting hitched on the 5th of April. I depart DC with all the stuff I’ve accumulated here on April 3. On April 8 I head north from Ojai with said stuff, plus all the stuff from my previous residences.

Yup.

Color me busy.